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Dads, Teens, and Modesty
Thursday, Mar 31st 2011
John Wunderli and his delightfully pretty daughters!
Why do we let our daughters dress like they do?
Writer Jennifer Moses asked this question in a recent Wall Street Journal article. The article draws a pretty straight line between provocative attire and promiscuous behavior, being fundamentally most concerned about the latter. The premise of the author is that it’s difficult for mothers, particularly those who have had a sexually active past, to set appropriate boundaries for their girls. She also notes that with the exception of Mormons, evangelicals, and orthodox Jews, people don’t know how to teach kids to dress appropriately and not give away their bodies so readily.
As a Mormon father of three delightfully pretty girls -- ages 18, 15, and 12 – I just want Ms. Moses to know that setting appropriate boundaries is no picnic for us either.
Before I even begin to offer an opinion about what girls should or should not wear, I must at least acknowledge that there is a broad human spectrum in play here where sensibilities and context vary considerably. For example, when we were living in New York my wife took the kids to Coney Island on a day when the Hassidic Jewish kids were apparently out of school. While my girls frolicked in the water in what we would consider appropriately modest bathing suits, thousands of other girls were frolicking in full dresses. Later that same day, the kids were in Central Park surrounded by thousands of sun bathers in various states of undress. On Coney Island that day, my girls’ attire was relatively scandalous; but in Manhattan, their suits were downright puritanical.
I want my girls to dress in an “appropriately attractive” way. Of course, what I find appropriately attractive will be viewed by millions of people as sinfully permissive and millions of others as laughably prudish. But for me there's a continuum where on one side is a cheap, tawdry, and a hyper-sexualized exaggeration of feminine features, and on the other side is a frumpy and purposeful hiding of all attractive feminine features. Somewhere in the middle of that continuum is the zone of confident, inspiring beauty. That’s where I want my girls to be.
How does that translate into actual practice? As a general rule, I think people should dress and act in a way that attracts the kind of people they want to be around. The challenge for dads is helping their girls understand first, what kind of guys they should want to be around, and second, what kind of guys they are in fact attracting when they act and dress in certain ways. My message to my girls is pretty simple: if you dress and act in a way that attracts slacker or degenerate punks, you're generally going to be unhappy (as will I); but if you attract stand up, respectful, purposeful guys, you'll be much better off (and I won't feel the need to clean my firearms in the kitchen).
I remember a conversation I had with my oldest daughter a few years ago after a couple boys I had never seen before had just left the house. “Are those deadbeats really the best you can do?” I asked, half joking, but only half. “Dad, you are so prejudiced; you don’t know what those boys think or feel; you’re only judging them based on what they were wearing,” my daughter responded indignantly. “Sweetheart, if those boys are going to wear clothes designed to communicate that they don’t care about anything, I’m entitled to take them at their word and judge accordingly, and so should you.” My daughter got a little chuckle out of that and actually told me I had a good point.
At the end of the day, while I don't have hard and fast bright line rules I can clearly articulate for every circumstance, I think what my girls wear and how they present themselves should have to pass the following hypothetical test exchange every time they walk out the door: "Dad, how do I look?"
"You look beautiful, honey."
Writer Jennifer Moses asked this question in a recent Wall Street Journal article. The article draws a pretty straight line between provocative attire and promiscuous behavior, being fundamentally most concerned about the latter. The premise of the author is that it’s difficult for mothers, particularly those who have had a sexually active past, to set appropriate boundaries for their girls. She also notes that with the exception of Mormons, evangelicals, and orthodox Jews, people don’t know how to teach kids to dress appropriately and not give away their bodies so readily.
As a Mormon father of three delightfully pretty girls -- ages 18, 15, and 12 – I just want Ms. Moses to know that setting appropriate boundaries is no picnic for us either.
Before I even begin to offer an opinion about what girls should or should not wear, I must at least acknowledge that there is a broad human spectrum in play here where sensibilities and context vary considerably. For example, when we were living in New York my wife took the kids to Coney Island on a day when the Hassidic Jewish kids were apparently out of school. While my girls frolicked in the water in what we would consider appropriately modest bathing suits, thousands of other girls were frolicking in full dresses. Later that same day, the kids were in Central Park surrounded by thousands of sun bathers in various states of undress. On Coney Island that day, my girls’ attire was relatively scandalous; but in Manhattan, their suits were downright puritanical.
I want my girls to dress in an “appropriately attractive” way. Of course, what I find appropriately attractive will be viewed by millions of people as sinfully permissive and millions of others as laughably prudish. But for me there's a continuum where on one side is a cheap, tawdry, and a hyper-sexualized exaggeration of feminine features, and on the other side is a frumpy and purposeful hiding of all attractive feminine features. Somewhere in the middle of that continuum is the zone of confident, inspiring beauty. That’s where I want my girls to be.
How does that translate into actual practice? As a general rule, I think people should dress and act in a way that attracts the kind of people they want to be around. The challenge for dads is helping their girls understand first, what kind of guys they should want to be around, and second, what kind of guys they are in fact attracting when they act and dress in certain ways. My message to my girls is pretty simple: if you dress and act in a way that attracts slacker or degenerate punks, you're generally going to be unhappy (as will I); but if you attract stand up, respectful, purposeful guys, you'll be much better off (and I won't feel the need to clean my firearms in the kitchen).
I remember a conversation I had with my oldest daughter a few years ago after a couple boys I had never seen before had just left the house. “Are those deadbeats really the best you can do?” I asked, half joking, but only half. “Dad, you are so prejudiced; you don’t know what those boys think or feel; you’re only judging them based on what they were wearing,” my daughter responded indignantly. “Sweetheart, if those boys are going to wear clothes designed to communicate that they don’t care about anything, I’m entitled to take them at their word and judge accordingly, and so should you.” My daughter got a little chuckle out of that and actually told me I had a good point.
At the end of the day, while I don't have hard and fast bright line rules I can clearly articulate for every circumstance, I think what my girls wear and how they present themselves should have to pass the following hypothetical test exchange every time they walk out the door: "Dad, how do I look?"
"You look beautiful, honey."
